Hello Friends!!

So let me tell you a story. Another fun and fabulous date courtesy of Match.com.

Jonathan was one of the first guys to get in touch with me on Match when I joined about a month ago. I set my date range at 26-35 and Jon is 40, so although I didn’t think I was interested, he had sent me a nice email and had a great profile, and according to Cosmopolitan Magazine’s formula (your age, minus seven multiplied by two) I could go as high as 40 and it would be decent and socially acceptable. I have consulted this formula for years, whether or not I have abided by it, because the older you get, the wider the gap becomes, and it makes sense to me.

I emailed Jon and told him that I liked his profile too, blah blah blah and he emailed me back that he was surprised to hear from me and thanks for “hopping to it” or something like that. I thought he was accusing me of being desperate so I never wrote back. Eff off, old guy! You should BE so lucky!! A week or so later he emailed me again; afraid he had scared me off. I went ahead and entered into an email relationship with him over the next few weeks where he danced around the idea of asking me out. I eventually asked him why he hadn’t, and from there we made a phone date for Friday, the day before we met up for a winery visit. On the phone, he offered that I wouldn’t hurt his feelings either way, but we could either meet at the vineyard, or meet at his country club and drive to the vineyard in his convertible. I laughed. I would much prefer his convertible.

It ended up raining but we decided still to go. He sent me directions to his country club and I pulled up to a gate. Yikes. I pulled up to the visitor’s side and told the man that I was meeting someone here, a member. Feeling like a total moron, I admitted that I didn’t know Jon’s last name, only that I had listened to it on his voicemail once and it started with an H. The address that Jon had given me was to the Country Club, somewhere deep in the gated community. Thankfully, I was on the list and allowed to pass after he checked my license. I drove for what seemed like 10 minutes through a gorgeous community on a street lined with a golf course and water fountains. I parked at the country club and saw the tennis court where Jon plays. He came and picked me up in an SUV and I was pleasantly surprised that he seemed relatively young and he was handsome. The first thing he said to me was “God you’re so beautiful! Look at this hair!” and he casually touched it while my back was to him closing my door. Something like that either feels nice or completely grosses you out. It was actually nice. We drove to three wineries and at the last one I was officially drunk as drunk. We talked about things I don’t talk about on first dates and despite that, we carried on quite well. I adored him.

We left the third vineyard and we went back to the country club where we grabbed my car and drove it a half-block away to his townhouse. I thought he just a member, I didn’t know he lived here! His home was beautiful and clean and we played board games and I swilled water. Then he showed me a pack of cigarettes and it was all downhill.

My friends know how I am about smoking. I can’t date a smoker. It is beyond disgusting to me. One of the good things about online dating is you can specify things like how much is acceptable smoking to you. His profile, and mine, both say “no way.” Now, Jon tells me he only smokes when he drinks. Smokers think that this isn’t considered smoking. Non-smokers consider this smoking. And, if that’s when he smokes, so we can’t drink together? It was an enormous buzz-kill. I was totally blind-sided that this guy who I thought that smoking was a complete non-issue with suddenly after a month of emailing and a day of charming me to death was suddenly blowing at me pretty much the one and only deal breaker I have.

We finished playing Rummy and he invited me to come sit on his lap. I did, and we kissed and talked a little bit and it was a lot of fun, but the persistent smell of the smoke that was still slowly seeping out of his lungs, the smell you can’t cover up with mints and other smelly things, the smell that in the end of my relationship with Ryan when he had given up trying to quit made it nauseating to sleep next to him, was still there, and it was revolting. I told him that it was a turn-off and a game changer. He practically threw me off his lap. I grabbed my coat and bolted. I then got lost in the gated community whose only exit I could find was chained and locked for about 15 minutes and had to call him, which was humiliating.

I got home and texted him that I had made it safely. He texted me that he was sorry about the way that things had ended. I emailed him the next day and told him that I was sorry too, that I adored him and wished that he had been up front about the smoking. He emailed me back that he was going to quit, not for me but for him, and that he’s sure that I’ve heard that before but he is a goal-getter and he will get there. He also said, which we have talked about before, that our relationship would ultimately come to a halt if it did get off the ground because he wants to marry an Episcopalian and doesn’t imagine that I’ll convert. I’ve never been stonewalled because of religion before. I can’t relate, but of course I respect that. I have never been religious and it’s a total non-issue for me. But, it made me think. My mom converted to marry my dad, and both of my sisters married non-Jews. Different stokes for different folks I guess. That’s not a promise that I can make so someone on a first date, that if it gets serious, I’ll consider converting. It’s more of a bridge that you need to cross when you get there.

I told Jon that I would miss him if we stopped talking and I’d like him to keep in touch. I will probably never talk to him again.

It had me all bent out of shape today, that he was the one who had lied about smoking but he can fix that and I have to full on convert to please him. But then someone else texted me and completely lifted my spirits! Nick, who I had gone on the credit card fiasco date with earlier in the week, chatted with me for a few before asking me to hang out again. Now, Nick is 25, Jewish and wants to marry a Jew, (take that, Jon!) successful and ADORABLE!! He’s actually Israeli, moved here when he was 13, has super-creamy tan skin and half a body-fat percentage and likes to tell stories about the history of this or that. He’s so stinking cute!!He suggested that we go to the D.C. improve whatever house for a comedy show. Doesn’t that sound like fun?! I’m so excited. I just want to make out with him all over the place.